25 4 / 2012
Why I couldn't be a doctor
- 1: I'm so sorry, we did everything we could...
- 2: Oh no!! *starts sobbing*
- 1: And it worked! Your husband's gonna be fine!
25 4 / 2012
13 4 / 2012
i’m sick of being sick.
I’m sick of being unhealthy.
i just want to be strong, healthy.
i don’t want to feel like a failure for eating dinner with my friends.
i don’t want to be thinking “when is the quickest moment i can get to the bathroom after this?
i just want to be normal.
i am so fucking over being sick.
i wish, that after 10 years of this hell someone could just come in and pull me out. i wish recovery was easy.
02 4 / 2012
…But sticking your fingers down your throat and coughing and then going OH MY GOD EW is not bulimia. Fasting for a day and then “fainting” in the hallway is not anorexia. And “getting so desperate I seriously considered anorexia or bulimia” isn’t an eating disorder.
Bulimia is a speeding train with no brakes, bingeing and purging and bingeing and purging no matter how broke you are or how disgusting the food is or what you should be doing. It’s gorging until you can barely stand, puking until you bleed, and the city could burn to the ground and when it was over you’d still be standing in the ashes, bingeing and purging.
Anorexia is a wall of blue-gray ice, a miswired translation code that turns appetite into disgust, a terror you don’t understand, a fear so real you can see it and hear it and kiss it goodnight, an illogical logic that rewrites everything and you know you need to eat and maybe you even really want to eat but you just can’t because if you did everything would fall apart.
Desperation is digging through the garbage for nothing-something-anything to stuff in your face because you have to binge and purge right now. Desperation is standing frozen in the aisle of the grocery store for minutes/hours/years, and then buying the same calorie-free crap you always buy because you can’t eat it if it’s not safe. Desperation is swallowing laxatives like normal people swallow candy, just because you have to be empty…."
26 3 / 2012
Today I’m supposed to be going to the dr.
I’m supposed to go and ask about why the fuck wheat makes me feel so ill, and what other food intolerances I harbour. But I’m scared she’ll tell me this is all my fault.That this is what I deserve for throwing up all my food after eating it, and that this is what I deserve for treating my body so badly.
I just want to come clean to everyone, and say - “look, I need help, I’m not okay.” But i’m way too fat for that at the moment, and no one will take me seriously.
If only I didn’t put back on those 5 kg, and stayed at 49kg, then maybe they would have believed me. But I’m fat, and horrible and a disgusting person.
I want to be better. I need to be better so I can be a proper athlete. So my muscles don’t ache for weeks after running, and so I won’t pass out while pole dancing and break my neck or something equally horrid. I want to be better, but I don’t want to be fat.
And although my health should be my number one priority, at the moment being fat terrifies me. I’m ashamed to be like this. I’m so ashamed I can’t even whisper the words to my lovely boyfriend or my family. I need help.
I’m just too scared to get it.